porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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