I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
