I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
PANTIES FOUND
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