Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
