If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
