Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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