I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
