The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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