Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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