You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Success! We fucked roommates!
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
