It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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