I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
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