Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
