He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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