I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
