note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
