I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
