Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
