is your mom at the bar?
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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