someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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