His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Randomize
