Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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