If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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