we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
