I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
