someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
My vagina is officially offended.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
