I wish I could punch you in the face.
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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