The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
