I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
