So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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