I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
