he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
