No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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