I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
When are your genitals available?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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