I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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