life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Randomize
