I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
