i think my mom watched the whole time
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
