i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
