i permit you to call me
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
