Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
