She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
