What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
