Are we in a gay sports bar?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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