she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
