Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
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