I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
