i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
