Need sex. Gaining weight.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
