the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
