god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Randomize
