Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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