im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
