I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
