Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
