Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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