ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Randomize
